Not so happy 4th anniversary Chris
Today would have been Chris’s fourth wedding anniversary. They had a beautiful outdoor wedding at Heritage Beam and Board, where Chris used to work when they lived in Wisconsin. My son was in the wedding as was my sister, nephews and niece. It was a gorgeous day and Chris was the happiest I had ever seen him. I was happy for him, we all were.
Chris and his wife met when neither one of them were in a mentally stable place. In fact, they were both in a very dark place. We had hoped it would be a way for both of them to build a happy ad healthy life together. We had hoped that Chris had found his happily ever after. But we all know how this story ends…there would be no happily ever after.
There would be a lot of questions. What REALLY happened on May 29th? What led up to Chris thinking suicide was his only option? Why didn’t his wife help us? Why didn’t his wife try to save him? Why did they drive to the beach? What were they arguing about? What did Chris tell her?
His wife claims I blame her for his death and I am so righteous in my cause. When I confronted her (via text) about why she chose to lie to me and December that night her response to me was “If someone wants to do what Christopher did. They will do it. He was going to the beach that day whether I went with him or not.” Now while I do not blame his wife for his death (only for her doing nothing to help him) that is not the response you give to a grieving sister. That is not the response of an innocent person. That is the response of a narcissist who is deflecting any accountability or responsibility for her role.
She of course then turns all the blame on me. That Chris was so afraid of my judgement that he could never be honest with me. My expectations were too high, he could never meet them and so on. Very classic deflection.
I have made my peace with my role the night my brother died. I know that my sister and I did everything that we knew to do to try and find him. Do I wish I could have done more - of course I do. Do I wish I could have recognized the signs leading up to that night - of course I do. Do I blame myself for his death - of course not. Chris was 41 years old, I was not his keeper. I was not his wife - I am his sister.
His wife knew he was suicidal. I have recordings of arguments they had leading up to that night. She threatens him that she would “tell his sister”. And yet she never did. That is what I blame her for. See something - SAY SOMETHING. She said nothing. She did nothing. She knew his state of mind and she said nothing.
So today instead of celebrating their 4th wedding anniversary I find myself reflecting on what it means to be a life partner/spouse. For better, for worse, in sickness and in health. We all hope for the health part as long as possible and some are lucky enough to have it. But life gets tricky when it comes to the sickness part. Poor mental health is a sickness. If my brother had cancer, I imagine she would have told me/us. He should be the one to tell me of course, but if he did not/would not I would expect her to. I would have hoped that he would have shared his mental health struggles with me/us but he didn’t. Was it his partner’s responsibility to do so? I don’t know, that’s a great question. I do know that if The Beard (my husband) had any physical OR mental health struggles I would do every thing in my power to help him. EVERYTHING. I would tell my sister, my mom, his mom, his brother, his dad, our pastor, anyone I think that could help get through to him or be a supportive figure to him. And I would not hesitate or question my decisions. He would understand that I was under duress and made the best decision I could at that moment in that situation and I was doing everything out of love.
I don’t have the answer but I am an advocate of see something, say something. TELL YOUR SISTER! It takes a village, we are pack animals, we are not made to go through this crazy adventure of life on our own. See something, say something.