I caught the Apathy Bug

Walking to school, a highlight of my and The Mighty Thor’s day

Signs of apathy include: Disengaging or withdrawing from work, hobbies or spending time with loved ones. However, people with apathy appear to enjoy spending time with loved ones if they're pushed or persuaded to do so. A lack of concern that they've disengaged from activities they used to enjoy.

Other than my annual Jan-Mar hibernation, I’ve never had any issue with self motivation, lack of enthusiasm or anything along those lines. But since I’ve finished with Chris’s house I feel like I have no real sense of purpose.

Not like I can’t get out of bed, but other than the bare minimum I have a hard time finding any motivation. I get up early because I enjoy walking the mighty Thor before the sun comes up. I get Ben ready for school, walk to school and the rest of my day is filled with made up tasks I give myself to work on around the house until it’s time to walk back to school.

I’ll only respond to my sister, mom, husband and anything to do with Ben in a timely manner. Otherwise it could be days if I even respond at all.

My patience is about nonexistent, my creativity is all but gone and I’m not really all that excited for much.

I didn’t keep up with the Packers preseason, I watched about two plays of the game last week and really don’t know if I want to watch any more. (As a Packers owner, this is obviously way out of the norm for me) Chris and I would usually text each other play by plays during the games if we weren’t watching together so I am sure that may have a little to do with my lack of interest.

I’ve been to church once since Chris died and it was too soon. It was a lot for me to process internally.

I haven’t been to any family functions other than hosting Ben’s birthday party.

I can hang out with my immediate neighbor friends, I don’t know why that is different but it is and I highly enjoy them. (I enjoy all my neighbor friends but the ladies have been especially helpful to my soul). I enjoy my blonde and dark haired soul sisters. And oddly, I have lost no motivation to spend time with my husband.

But that’s about it. I don’t like leaving the house much. I’ll do it for Kevin but it takes a lot of internal effort. If I do go somewhere I prefer to go places where I don’t know anyone and really don’t have to interact with anyone.

I obviously have not lost my self awareness. I understand what is happening, what I am experiencing and why. I guess I’m just more surprised than anything. I thought because I have a good sense of self and self awareness that I would not experience apathy. Or at least not that bad.

Thank god my Lighthouse is a rock. But this can’t continue, I obviously need to work, sooner rather than later. But that’s a daunting thought trying to find the motivation to figure out what direction to go and starting out from scratch.

I also understand that in time, that this Apathy bug will pass too. I know I need to give myself grace and the permission to just be present in whatever state I can manage.

Being a projector, I know myself very well and can get lost in self reflection. That makes this Apathy stage of grief even more difficult. Because I see it all unfolding right before my eyes and yet I cannot stop it or fix it. I know I am in a thick fog and I know I can’t stay in it I’m just not exactly sure how to get out of it right now. I also know I am the only one who can get myself out of this fog.

I chose to think of it as I have caught the apathy bug rather than thinking I suffer from apathy. When you catch a cold you just have to let it run its course and it will go away. If you suffer from cancer, it won’t just go away; medical intervention is almost always needed. I know myself well enough to know I would just pull away from any kind of intervention, that would encourage me to retreat more into myself

I’m sharing this post about my apathy bug not as a cry for help but for awareness and to let others know they are not alone. People don’t talk about the apathy stage as much. I wondered what was wrong with me until I really started to drill down and do the research. And even then it is not easy to find open and honest discussions. Many people will suggest therapy and while that is a wonderful suggestion, for me, it is too much to think about at this moment. I don’t want to do the research to find a therapist, I don’t want to make an appointment, I don’t want to go to an appointment and I don’t want to pay with money I’m not making. This all may change at any time but that is where I am at right now.

So please know that if this is where you are, it’s okay. There is nothing wrong with you. I don’t have a what next for you but I will be sure to share when I do.

And if you have ever thought about taking your own life, please remember that you can call or text 988 at any time for help and please think about the long term effects for those who love you. We will move on but we will never be the same.

As for me, while my apathy bug is not contagious, please don’t be offended when I don’t respond or decline to do anything. It’s not you, it’s me 😏😉