written by Shannan

I know what they say about grief, although I am not so sure who “they” are. I also know my sister and I process so many things the same and yet so many things differently. My parents and rest of my family, Chris’s friends, everyone processes the news that he took his life differently. And while I am so fortunate to have the most incredible community of friends, surrogate family and neighbors around me, most days I only feel like I can be truly honest with my sister. For whatever reason, my brain will only process that she is the only person who will fully understand. We have a deeper connection because our trauma is the same. She may not feel that way, but she indulges me and is always there for whatever I need. And that means a lot because I am always the strong one. As she would say, I have always been the “fixer”. I fix things, I fix people, you name it, I fix it.

If you believe in the whole human design thing, I am a Projector. Projectors are known for their deep wisdom and ability to guide and direct others. They have a unique ability to see and understand others in a way that can bring clarity and insight.

I am a Taurus, a horse in the Chinese zodiac, an ENFP. However you look at it, they all have the same core, just different names.

I don’t find it helpful to talk to people, I actually find that more draining. I don’t really want to see people I know are going to talk about my brother, because as I just said, I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to hear about how strong I am, or how I am doing a great job (ok, well I kind of like to hear those things) because that means you are talking about my brother - and right now he is mine and mine alone. I do not want to share him with anyone. Except my sister of course.

But I do find it very cathartic to write about him and my experience. I don’t know why, I do not know what the difference is. Maybe because it is on my terms and I get to dictate how this conversation goes. I mean, I am pretty sure that is why, I don’t have to act like I am an idiot and don’t know why.

I have always enjoyed writing my thoughts, I hate speaking them and really only make an effort to do so with my husband and son. Everyone else gets to figure it out based on my facial expressions.

I have always gotten many compliments on my writing and lately when I have been posting on my social media, so many people have reached out to thank me for being so transparent and honest, even vulnerable. And even though I don’t see it that way, many people have told me how much it has helped them to read about my journey. I do feel that I am being as honest and open about everything that I can be, I don’t necessarily see myself as being vulnerable. I guess I view it more of a PSA - like if you see me and I didn’t say Hi, or gave a quick hi, this is why. Don’t take it personal, I am just processing too many things in my head to do people right now.

Based on some of the feedback that I have gotten I thought it might be helpful to share my journey on the interwebs in hopes that it may help someone else. Help them with what I do not know, just help them. I also thought it might be helpful for people that may have sucidal thoughts to see what suicide does to those who are left behind. I don’t know if that would have changed my brother’s mind but part of me really thinks it would have. A small part of me has to believe that if he would have known the mess he was leaving, the pain he would cause, he never would have made the decision to hang himself. I know my brother was in pain, I know his demons were causing him so much pain that the thought of one more day in that much pain was too much for him. I don’t know if we could have ever tamed his demons, but I would have loved to have had the chance to try.

And if you have your own demons, please just know that most people are not going to know how to handle your demons and that is okay. Some people may know how to handle your demons but they have no idea how to tame them, and that is okay. Some people will tell you they can slay your demons and they may actually believe they can. They probably can’t, and that is ok. But somewhere, there is a person who can teach you how to tame your demons. They will show you ways that you never knew existed, or you may have tried but didn’t try correctly. It won’t be easy and you have to be willing to fight, and get back up after being knocked down countless times. But if you hang on long enough and keep telling people about your demons and keep searching, you will find someone who can and will tame your demons.