It’s not fair, why do I have to clean up Chris’s mess?
That is dirt, even between my toes
As much as I need to be done with this damn house I’m not ready to be done with it. I’m not done yelling at Chris.
99% of the time I am here alone, by choice. I need to be here alone, with Chris. I need to ask him what the hell he was thinking by collecting all this crap. I can hear him laughing at me and telling me about the vision he had in his head and what a beautiful piece of furniture it would make. I’d shake my head and say, well you only need one for the project, why do you have 47? and he would laugh again.
I’m always asking him who the hell would ever think it was ok to end his life and leave his sister to deal with this? This is not ok Chris, this is not fair. I love you so much and I believe in the beauty you would have created with all this “stuff”. I believed in you. Even when you didn’t, I did. This is just like you, not planning ahead and saying “don’t worry, we’ll figure it out”. Except this time, there is no “we” buddy, it’s me…ME.
My inner child comes out a lot when I’m at the house. And man, does she have a way more foul mouth than I remember. “It’s not fair” is on repeat in my head. It’s not fair that you are not here to clean up the mess you made. It’s not fair that the only person who did not believe in you thinks she can have you. It’s not fair that the only person who did not try and save you thinks she can play the victim card with me while crying to everyone who will listen what a demon I am. If you are reading this on a free, public domain I think it’s pretty clear that I am extremely transparent and open about this entire journey. The truths I discuss are easy to fact check on the amazing interwebs.
No, I am not done with Chris. I am a Taurus and have years of bitching at him left in me. If he thought he’d be able to rest in peace he is sorely mistaken, I am not letting this one go Christopher. You are going to continue to hear about it whether you like it or not.
I also ask him if his demons show up unannounced or if they have an invitation. Although I think I could answer this question better than he could. I take that back, I think I would answer this question differently than he would because I have a different perspective. I think that is what he has been telling me over and over at the house. And while I heard him the first time I’m really starting to understand. This is much different and much deeper than having a different opinion. This is sitting on the same couch, at the same time and while Chris is awestruck by the beautiful view out the window and describing it to me in full detail, I am sitting here so confused because there is no window. I tell him there is no window and even get up to show him it’s just a wall, that didn’t make Chris stop seeing the window, he just stopped telling me what he saw out the window. He led me to believe he didn’t see the window anymore, he was just mistaken.
The last few days have been really hard. Physically and mentally. I leave the house with every fiber of my body aching, my mind full of anger and frustration and my heart full of pain. I have a permanent sad face on and even if I fake a smile my eyes will call me out.
If I didn’t have the house to distract me and channel my emotions I think I’d be way more of a mess than I already am. But if he didn’t leave the house as he did I wouldn’t have nearly as many emotions out this journey as I do.
Knowing my brother he never bothered to think this far ahead. He only got to the part where he felt he wasn’t worthy of living and he could do something about that.
I was the only person Chris did not reach out to on May 29th. He texted my sister and his daughter and of course we all knew who he was with. Why? Why didn’t he call or text me? We had just talked a few days before., we checked in often. Yet it was me he didn’t reach out to.
My brother had this unique loyalty to me, I am the older sister after all. He would never say no to me and he would always do what I asked of him. He loved me and looked up to me. He loved my son and he loved my husband. Chis also listened to me. I think the only reason he did not reach out to me because he knew I was the one person who could have stopped him. His wife was afraid of my influence over him and I was never really sure what he meant when he told me that. But now I think I understand a little better. I was the one who could talk him out of doing dumb shit. I was the one who was his biggest cheerleader, encourager and I wholeheartedly believed in him. Those are very powerful motivators. His wife was not those things. My sister was all of those things as well, but it’s always a little different with a younger sister vs. older.
So here I sit know that if given the opportunity I probably could have stopped my brother. Could I have fixed his problems? No. Could I have helped him fix his problems? 100% yes. With my help could he have fixed his problems? I don’t know, and we will never know because I was not given the opportunity, it was taken from me.
This has been a difficult one for me to work through and probably why I need more time with him.
Chris was putting in a “patio” with salvaged granite and marble…in a rental home. The owners asked for it to be removed understandably. It was a hard and dirty job.