My grief is selfish
This will NEVER get old
I have made no excuses, this blog is for ME. By sharing my experience, it helps ME. I will not apologize for how I grieve or the healthy outlets I use to process MY grief. It is my hope that by my sharing my journey I will let other people who have experienced loss by suicide that it is okay to feel your feels. Own your feels and don’t apologize for them. I also want to let people know that have thought about suicide that this world is NOT better without you. Your people will not just “get over” losing you, you will be taking a piece of each of them with you. And the piece you take is irreplaceable, it doesn’t grow back.
I will also acknowledge that MY grief is centered around ME. I will protect my sister and mother at all costs. But there are so many people who have reached out to help in any way they can, or have helped that I have not mentioned and that does not devalue their importance in my or my brother’s life.
For example, my aunt Heidi offered to fly out to NC immediately and help in any way she could, my uncle Ricky offered to drive up to help whenever I need him to, my Aunt Patty has helped, my (and Chris’s) Dad has offered guidance (so….I thought the transmissions in the backyard were airplane parts and Dad sets me straight for what to be on the lookout for). My Mother-in-law has taken Ben so I can focus on other stuff, my Father and Mother-in-law have been a source of emotional support as well as guidance with all the wood (he’s an arborist). My sister-in-law’s Mother has been extremely helpful. And this is in addition to all of the financial support some have provided.
I guess my point is that just because I don’t mention others that they were not a significant part of Chris’s (or my) life. It just means that my immediate focus right now is ME, my sister and my mother. (Of course my husband, son and niece as well). I don’t apologize for that. My sister and I are obviously bonded. And the minute I became a mother I realized I will never be able to apologize to my mother enough for being a teenager. As soon as I became a mother I got it. I understood what it is like to live with your heart outside of your body. Your life revolves around that nugget for the rest of your life. I am crying right now thinking about anything ever happening to Ben., it would break me. I cannot imagine my mother’s pain. So while I know others are grieving my brother, my priority is my mother’s grief. I will never apologize for that. With that being said I am undoubtedly sure it’s hard for my mom to read some if not all of my posts. And while I understand that is a bit ahole of me, she’s also my mom and realizes that I have to do this for me. I’m sure she’s also a little proud I can string together a few sentences coherently, even if the content isn’t the most pleasant.
Anyway, all that does not mean I don’t respect, care or empathize with their grief, I do. I just don’t have the capacity to hold their grief.
If you are familiar with Human Design (😘 Sarah) I am a projector. A projector’s aura is focused and absorbing, allowing them to penetrate deeply into the other’s energy. Projectors often have a natural ability to understand others at a deep level. This can lead to deep and meaningful connections. However, it’s also important for Projectors to maintain their boundaries and ensure that they don’t lose themselves in the other. Establishing healthy boundaries, prioritizing self-care, and creating an environment that respects their energy needs are all important aspects of a Projector’s well-being.
I am very good at setting boundaries and knowing when I need to refuel my inner light (blog coming on that next!). I am very bad at knowing how to articulate my needs and I respond best when I’m not given an option. I keep my inner circle small for this reason, because those that know me…really know me. For example, my sisterfriend Sarah was the third person I told about Chris after my mom and sister, and her response was “I’m heading over shortly, you don’t have an option. I will hold space for whatever you need even if it’s just to sit in silence at the house all day”. I love her. She knows I would have said no because I didn’t know what I needed. That god she was there because I don’t know what I would have done without her. Did I mention. I love her, because I really love her.
Kelli (Sarah’s sister in law, I like to keep it in the family) and Josh who will let me be me and not “poor you, your brother killed himself” for a bit.
Rob who randomly text “thinking about you” with no expectation.
I’m going to need to do another random thank you blog because this list could take a while.
There is really only one person whose grief I will never respect, I know too many truths to be fooled by all of the lies. Again, I’m really good at setting those boundaries.
