Proud is an understatement

It’s been 2 months, 61 days to be exact, since my brother made the decision to end his life. 61 days since my heart has been whole. 61 days that I have been cleaning up the life he left behind. 61 days that I have put my life on hold to figure out how to process your decision. 61 days.

In those 61 days I have organized your chaos. In the past 61 days I have seen the beauty and potential in your collections. In the past 61 days I have experienced how much work it took for you to gather your collections. In the past 61 days I have worked hard to ensure that your hard work wasn’t wasted. Your collections will be turned into beauty. Maybe not the beauty you envisioned but beauty nonetheless.

I could have walked away. I could have thrown everything away. But it meant something to you so it meant something to me.

I did not have to do it alone, I chose to do it (mostly) alone. So many people offered to help me in big ways and in small. But it had to be me. I had to see things the way you saw them. I had to know how much work it took you to get those things. It had to be me. I needed it to be me.

It’s the last time I’ll be able to protect you. It’s one thing to read about the chaos or even to see pictures, it’s a whole other level to experience it in person. There are many details that will forever be kept between my sister and I. You deserve that.

To say I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished in the last 61 days would be a gross understatement.

I did it and it didn’t break me. Don’t get me wrong, I have had breakdowns, but I made repairs and kept going. (Sincere apologies to my husband, although he’ll never read this.) I did not break. I am not the same person I was 62 days ago, a piece of me will forever be missing but I am strong enough to survive. At some point I will be able to thrive again, but that will take some time.

I have had 61 days to process your decision. 61 days to miss you. 61 days to yell at you. 61 days to laugh with you. 61 days to remind me that you are not here. 61 days that you chose not to be here. I hope that you have had 61 days of calm and healing. I hope that the weight that buried you has been completely lifted off of you and you are free. I hope you can see/feel/sense how much you are truly loved and missed. I hope you have started to learn to love yourself. I hope you find peace. I hope you find everything that you were looking for but could not find in this world. I love you in this world and wherever you are, I will always love you. I hope you know that. No matter how angry I am, I will always love you. You don’t have to stick around until I’m done being angry, because we all know that could be a while.  But that is a me issue, not a you issue so you should go and find your peace. Not that you need it, but you have my permission.