It’s been a minute
It’s been a hot minute since I’ve written anything. I think about it a lot but the words never quite seem to come together. Usually I’m pretty good with (writing) words but I just really haven’t been able to articulate my thoughts/feelings lately.
I am grateful to have so much to be thankful for. I know how lucky and privileged I am. On the other hand I’m mad that life is going on like nothing happened or that nothing is wrong. People are still celebrating and enjoying the festive season. I want to. I fake it and pretend that I am. It’s exhausting.
Maybe that is how I feel. Exhausted. Exhausted and guilty. Guilty for being exhausted. Guilty for letting the loss of my brother consume me. Guilty that I have let the loss of my brother impact our family so much emotionally and financially. Guilty that I am being so selfish and focused on how I feel. You get the picture, I feel exhausted and guilty.
I feel like it’s an obvious observation, but I’m also sad. I’m sad my brother is not here. I’m sad we won’t be celebrating his 42nd Birthday on the 22nd. I’m sad he’s missing my sister’s birthday on the 19th and my niece’s on the 18th. I’m sad for my Mom (and my dad but a mom’s connection to her children is just different). I’m sad he wasn’t here at Thanksgiving and that he won’t be here for Christmas. And I’m sad that there are people that get to move on like he meant nothing to them.
I saw the above meme today and it really made me stop and think. I feel a lot of people will relate to this and need to know it’s okay. It’s okay if you didn’t achieve or accomplish anything in 2024. You made it through it. That is enough. Things might be really shitty, but you made it. That is enough.
Don’t compare yourself to anyone or anything you see or read. You are you and you only need to focus on being the best YOU that you can be. That is all. That is enough.
Chris chose not to make it through 2024. That hurts my heart and it will always hurt my heart. He was enough and I wish he knew that.
You are enough.