3 month check in: High Functioning Hot Mess
Designed by December Bowles featuring part of one of Chris’s tattoos
If you don’t know me, hell even if you do, you would not know how much I struggle on a daily basis. What exactly I struggle with; I am still trying to define. From the outside looking in you would never know how much the gaping hole in my heart is affecting every part of my being.
But that hole is still bleeding. Not as heavy as it was but one wrong move or bump will rip the thin scab right off.
If you remember from a previous post you can still function with a hole in your heart. And I happen to “function” or “go through the motions” better than most but it takes significant effort and drains everything out of me.
My husband has been traveling for a week, minus a few hours he was home on Sunday and normally that is a lot but manageable. But after the emotionally draining two weeks I had before that I feel like I literally have nothing left in my tank to give. I have not had any time to recharge my battery and it is really starting to show.
Yes I know I have plenty of resources around me to help in whatever possible way I need. But the thing is I still really don’t know exactly what it is I need help with. I know something is off/missing but I could not tell you what. And whatever it is does not really stop me from doing anything. It may get in the way and delay me, but eventually I’ll get around to it. I may not do it at a very high level but it gets done.
I am not depressed, I’m not particularly sad, or angry. I just am. I think my body and my mind are figuring how to function efficiently again with this hole in my heart.
I am pretty good at recognizing my triggers and do a decent job avoiding what I can control. But I also have a 7 year old son, a 3.5 year old yellow lab and a husband who travels for work. That leads to a lot of uncontrollables. And those tend to keep my internal scales perpetually unbalanced these days.
I’m not writing this as a cry for help. I’m writing this to say it’s okay. I know grief or whatever it is people experience comes in waves - but I’m letting you know it also comes in rip tides. And we all know that when you are caught in a rip tide you just have to let yourself go. Don’t fight it. Don’t try to get back to shore. Just focus on floating and keeping your head above water.
So that is what I’m doing right now…keeping my head above water. And you know what? That’s okay. I give myself permission, grace and love. It’s only been three months. Today is actually the 3 month mark of when Chris took his life. As with every major life moment it feels like it’s flown by and been forever all at the same time.
Note: December and I are working on getting our Etsy store up and running that will feature memorial items as well as general grief and mental health merchandise. 11% of all proceeds will be donated to organizations that focus on men’s mental health. Specifically we are aiming to target men in the construction/trades industries with the long term goal of creating our own nonprofit in Chris’s memory.
Please keep an eye out for the official store opening as well as why we chose to donate 11%.
Tattoo on Chris left arm that we drew some inspiration from