You cannot “heal” a grieving heart
Driveway chaulk art at The Tyndall Treehouse
People are funny about grief. It’s a confusing and complex journey. It’s natural to look for resources to help you navigate your journey. Maps provided by “professionals” if you will. I would caution anyone to put too much stock into any of these “maps”.
I’m actually surprised by the amount of grief books I have found that claim to help you “heal” your grieving heart. I think that is ignorant and careless to say to those who have experienced a traumatic loss.
You can heal a broken heart maybe, but a grieving heart will never heal. There is a piece of my heart that is gone. That missing piece is Christopher’s. It was given to him on December 22, 1982 and he ripped it out on May 29th when he left. That piece will never be replaced or grow back. My heart will learn to function without that piece but my heart will always know it’s missing. My heart will continue to grow around that missing piece but never replace that piece.
Just because my heart will never heal does not mean that I will not continue to learn how to manage the pain. The pain will lessen over time but the hole will still be there.
And maybe I don’t want to “heal” my heart. Just because a piece of my heart is gone does not mean I don’t experience love or joy. Maybe my heart will learn to be more forgiving, hold more grace, be more empathetic without that piece.
I don’t understand how people people think we should learn to feel “normal” again? What is “normal” and who’s “normal” are we talking about? I don’t want to go back to my old normal. My brother killed himself. As practical and realistic as I am I cannot downplay the impact that his decision has on my life from that point forward.
I understand why but I think we need to stop being so fixated on closure. We think we need all the answers and without them we cannot process our grief. That is not true. Sometimes there are no answers, or even if there are we will never know them. Not knowing what pushed my brother over the edge bothers me but it does not stop me from processing his death.
I feel like there should be a greater emphasis on how to not let your anger consume you. After a traumatic loss people are angry at different entities for different reasons. Everyone’s anger is unique. And you need to have space to confront your anger and you need to let yourself be angry. And then you need to find healthy ways to process your anger so it does not consume you. The anger will probably not go away, but you can channel it.
Regardless of how you grieve, understand it is a process. In the beginning you are in survival mode but you eventually have to get ahold of your grief and find the strength within yourself to be able to manage your grief in a healthy way for YOU. This may involve a lot of trial and error, you may think you’ll be fine but you’re not. And that’s okay. You evaluate and readjust. Your grief evolves over time. If you are looking for guidance, look to those who build your inner strength. Do not seek out those who offer to build you a plan or draw you a map or try and lead you down their path. This is your journey, you need people who will walk beside you for support, not people who want to lead or direct you. They may mean well, but they do not know. You need to find the strength within yourself before you can learn how to manage your grief and/or channel your anger. Some people may need to find themselves before they can start to manage their grief and that is okay.
My advice to anyone who has experienced a traumatic loss and is lost in their grief: it’s okay. Work on yourself before you work on your grief. If you can’t find your inner strength to process your grief: it’s okay, set your grief aside and focus on YOU. YOU are still here, your grief can wait until you are strong enough to handle it. You process YOUR grief YOUR way. It may come in phases. For example; I am completely fine talking about my brother to people I do not know but I am NOT okay with being around a lot of people who know me and the situation. I do not find comfort in that, I will avoid those situations at almost all cost. ln fact, the only time I have knowingly put myself in that situation was for my son’s 7th birthday party. Because for him I will do anything.
I know how ridiculous it sounds that I am advising you to find or work on your inner strength at arguably one of the most difficult moments in your life but until you have that solid foundation nothing of substance can be built. If you don’t have that foundation the big bad wolf will be able to come along and easily blow all of your hard work away. I think that is why so many people fall to unhealthy vices to numb the pain of grief/trauma. Because they don’t realize they need to start within themself or don’t know how to start within themself. It’s hard, I know. Humans don’t dominate the food chain because we are weak, it’s because we are built to be strong. Inside and out. (Side note, I’m laughing at that analogy a little because I’m vegetarian and don’t really dominate any food chain.)
And please don’t try and heal your heart. Help your heart find joy again. Feed your soul to strengthen your heart. It’s a process, respect that process. Don’t be ashamed of that process, embrace the process.
