May 30, 2024 two blows, one day
Disclaimer: graphic content in this post including details about suicide
The last time I woke up brother-less was December 22, 1982. The day my brother decided to make his way into the world was the night of my preschool Christmas recital and I was pissed.
Waking up on May 30th after only a few hours of sleep was a surreal feeling. I wanted it to be a dream so bad but it wasn’t. After I walked the dog I went up to our still sleeping 6 year old’s room and I just laid next to him and cried. I could not imagine what my mom was going through, my heart ached for her. And yet I knew there was so much I had to do and no way that I could let any of it fall on her. She was going through enough.
I am lucky enough to have the most amazing support system around me. Between family, friends that became family, friends and neighbors, I have truly hit the jackpot. So while I know I needed to be strong for my mom and sister, I did not have to carry the load alone. Even when I wanted to, my husband and best friend would never allow that to happen. Kevin had just started a new job two day prior (of course) so he wanted to drive to his boss to tell him in person and my best friend Sarah did not give me an option, she was headed to the house to do whatever I needed, even if it was just to sit at the house all day. (I love her beyond words and this is what true friendship is y’all).
I had’t had the heart to wake my niece up to tell her that the man she thought of of her father was gone, she woke up while Kevin was gone and I think Sarah was taking our son to school. I am not sure if she knew from my face but I was able to keep it together long enough to tell her that Chris had took his own life and at this time we did not know the status of her mother. This kid has already been through the ringer in her 15 years and I am pretty sure based on the texts that Chris had sent her, she was expecting to wake up to this news. She was a bottle of mixed emotions at this point. Thankfully, Sarah was in this along side of me and was going to spend the day with out niece so she would not be alone at any point. Sarah is much better in these kind of people situations than I am, so I was even more grateful for her presence at this point.
In crisis mode, I am a checklist kind of girl. At this point, my grief could wait, I had so much that needed to get done RIGHT NOW. My first priority was what the hell I was going to do 6, eight week old puppies, I sure as hell had no idea how to take care of them. I had only found out about them a week or so prior to this and was livid when I did…but that is a story for another day friends. Anyway, I have another good friend who volunteers at several rescues so I reached out to her right away and I swear she dropped everything and was able to find a rescue that could take them all later that morning. I was thrilled. I headed to my brothers house to assess the situation and start to get the pups ready. I am not sure how long they had been left in the bedroom but just walking into the house you needed a mask. I had never smelled anything like it and am certain it was a serious health hazard. I would not even let my husband inside of the house, it was that bad.
I got the pups out of the house, we loaded them up and we got them to the rescue…woohoo!! During that process I had reached out to my sister in laws mother to let her know about Chris and what was going on. At this point all we were told was that our SIL was in the hospital, we had not been updated with her status at this point and the hospital had no record of her as a patient when I called. We assumed she may had been on life support or in pretty poor condition. I had not been told how Chris actually killed himself yet, so we just assumed that he overdosed on the beach and assumed that maybe he and his wife made a suicide pact and she was right by his side but found in time. Wowzers, I could not have been more wrong.
I don’t remember all the details of the rest of the day. I spent most of it at my brother’s house, in a hazmat suite of course. I had to be the first one to touch his things. I had to dig through the mess to see if I could make some kinf of revelation to make this all make sense.
I had made so many phone calls to let close friends and family know what had happened and each one ripped another hole in my heart. God, that was such a hard day emotionally. As soon as I would collect myself after one call I would have to make another, it was nonstop. And of course, everyone loved Chris and would have never thought he was in that dark of a place. In a small way, that made me feel better that I was not the only one who did not see this coming.
Early afternoon I was contacted by the detective in Carolina Beach. He asked me so many questions about Chris, his wife, their situation, etc. He mentioned that he had opened the investigation because even though Chris had clearly taken his own life to the detective something was off. He didn’t know what but it was enough to not let him close the books on this. Since it was an open investigation he was not able to tell me much but I did ask how and where Chris died. He told me he was not a medical examiner, and the ME would be contacting me later that day but Chris was found sitting on the beach with a rope around his neck. He reiterated the fact he had no medical training and has to wait for the ME to determine the cause of death. Wait…sitting on the beach with a ROPE around his neck? That was not anywhere close to what I was expecting to hear. He also said my SIL was already in the ambulance when he had arrived but she had been found awake, although not wanting to respond to emergency personnel, in the truck with the two dogs. The dogs were taken to animal control and he did not find any drugs or alcohol in the truck.
Ok, so that was a lot for me to take in. I got a call from the ME late the afternoon and we played phone tag until well after 5pm. He also asked me quite a few questions and let me know it would take a while for Chris’s toxicology report to come back but he had to assume that he had some kind of muscle relaxer in his system. The ME confirmed that Chris’s cause of dealth was hanging. He hanged himself off of a lifeguard tower on the beach. (If you have seen the lifeguard towers in Carolina Beach, they are not tall and not conducive to hang yourself from). Of course I had to ask him for clarification since the detective had told me Chris was found SITTING on the beach with a rope around his neck. The ME stated that if you have enough will power, you can hang yourself practically laying down, he has seen people hang themselves from doorknobs. A person just has to know how to tie a very good knot and to keep themself calm and relaxed enough to fight the urge to save themself.
I was speechless. This is not what I was expecting at all. How was I going to tell my mom? I hadn’t said anything up until now because I could not wrap my head around him sitting on the beach with a rope around his neck equating to hanging. I am not sure what I thought, he had it as backup? A statement piece? I didn’t know, but I surly did not think he hanged himself.
I arrived home after this and Kevin let me know a nurse from the hospital had called our niece’s school to speak with our niece. The school called us as we were listed as emergency contacts. Kevin had called the nurse back who told him our sister in law was basically fine, did he want to talk to her or did we want to come pick her up? Ummm i’m sorry, what? Did the nurse say she was “basically fine”? Kevin stated he did not want to speak with her and we would not be picking her up.
Wow - two huge blows in a row. Chris hanged himself and his wife was fine. So she sat in the truck, FaceTiming my sister while she watched Chris walk to the beach with a rope and I was on the phone with the wrong police department because she would not tell us where he was. This was too much for me to take in after the hardest day of my life. I told my sister and then I said “I can’t tell mom, not tonight, I have 0% of anything left in me”. My sister understood and took ownership of telling mom. I didn’t want to dump that on my sister but I simply could not do it in that moment. I could text, but I could not speak.
I got home and walked right upstairs where my son was playing. I sat and just cried, he came over and asked if they were happy tears or sad tears. I said sad. And I told him his uncle was sick and took the wrong medicine and he had an accident and died on the beach. So Uncle Chris was at the Happy Place with Max and all the other dead people? Yeah buddy, he is and that makes me really sad. I’m sorry mommy, I am really sad too and I am really more sad for you. Our son is 6 and this was the best way in my clouded mind that I could think of to explain.
I also informed my sister in laws mom what the nurse told Kevin. I also said I did not have capacity to have anything to do with my sister in law at this point. I needed to figure out what to do with the house my brother lived in as it is leased in my name and the lease is up May 31st. Chris knew that, they had not paid anything and the house was left in a condemned state. I was not even sure if anything left in the house could be salvaged. I would do everything in my power to keep our niece safe as her mother was in no condition to take care of her. I let her mother know that I would not pick her up from the hospital and I would not be helping her in any way. My brother was dead and she was fine - I was not sure how to process that information and now understood a little more as to what the detective meant when he said something is off.
